The best beauty comes form the worst pain.....

It's a battle that rages from day to day. Although I do feel like I am getting better when I look back at the past year....it still is so hard to not be what I used to be. I just got over having 3 days thatI believed where good days, Bill says "well you had better hours in the day, but not necessarily good days. Then Saturday evening at 5 pm it all started creeping back, I hate when it starts to come back on....because everytime I have a few good days I tend to get a little excited that maybe this is finally all over. So yesterday and today have been not so fun. Sleep has become a thing of the past.

I lay awake until 1 am if I'm lucky but mostly 3 am or Sunday morning I got in bed at 5 am, for Bill to be getting up. Kind of felt funny...that he was getting up and I was finally going to bed. Then when I do sleep the dreams are very vivid. I dreamt yesterday morning that my mom was sitting on the bed with me....she was saying something to me but for the life of me I can't recall what she said.

I know God has a story to tell through this. I know that everything that has happened in my life God has used to give glory to himself. I also know that throughout scripture everyone that God used had difficulties along the way. Character builders!! I am ready for that time. I'm ready to have the strength and energy and feel good enough to get back out there and be an inspiration to the gospel that I stand upon. I feel like I'm traped right now in a world that doesn't use my ministry gifts. I pray daily that God would remove this thorn and my ministry can resume.

Pain and hardship builds character.....but I'm wondering how much character building was I needing. Had pride stepped in the way of my ministry. Had my ability to accomplish everything on my own strength yielded God to take me to a level that my dependence was totally on his strength. What lesson am I to take from this and in what way Lord do you want me to use this. I ask for wisdom and discernment on what God's plan for my life is and I ask for strength to endure so that through this I may bring glory to him.