Just Sitting Down in the Throne Room of God...

I was overwhelmed today by the presence of God as we celebrated mom's life. I can't help but be overwhelmed by God's presence every time I get a chance to worship. Well very seldom during a funeral do you get a chance to to worship, but much to my pleasant surprise our worship pastor played the new modern version of "It Is Well With My Soul." At first the song just played but then he had the words to the song up on the big screen and the words just started to come out and then as if I was hearing an echo those attending the funeral echoed the words behind me.....everything in me was busting at the seams....I just can't worship sitting down in my chair as if I was casually singing to the King of Kings. I finally couldn't stand it anymore and being in the front of the church I didn't want to draw attention but everything in me couldn't stand it anymore and I had to stand to my feet to worship a God that I am not worthy to SIT in the presence of. I like being in the back of the church. I like praising God knowing its just Him and I and no one is watching. I love my quiet time spent just listening for his voice. I so remember as a child attending church and seeing everyone sitting down singing in a dulldrom choir like monotone voice and at that time that was what I knew of church....but then as an adult I came to KNOW what a relationship was with Christ and just sitting and worshiping the way I had known as a child just didn't seem worthy enough of the most High God. So much in me wants to turn around and YELL to the whole congregation "if you were standing in Heaven right now and you were face to face with God, is this how you would be worshiping." YOU ARE!! Whether your in your car, in your house or standing in church God is before you. Worship with all of your heart. And when I am STANDING in the throne room of God worshiping with everyone else there.....I don't even know if I'll be STAND...I may be the one flat on the floor before my maker.

Redefined Life...

After mom passed Friday we called pastor Tim to let him know of her passing. Tim came out and sat with us until they came to take her away. After the undertaker left Tim took a moment to pray with my dad, Bill and I and something really hit me about his prayer for us he asked God to help us in this time of our life as we "redefine" our lives without mom in them. I had not really thought of that up until that point. I was living the day to day of caring for her needs moment by moment and had not thought of how life will function without her in it. It's taken a few days to reorganize life for dad and I we are still busy with tending to the preparations for family and friends to come and celebrate our lives and their lives that were spent with mom as wife, mother, daughter, grandmother, friend and co-worker. We know that the true realization of moms absence in our life has not really hit us yet....friends and family remind us that it really doesn't hit you for a few weeks after their passing. Moments come where the tears just flow and others are filled with such joy in knowing what her life is like now. I am beginning to see the redifining time. I've already picked up the phone and dialed her number to realize that there would be no answer on the other end. I've thought about future events and how the one person that I couldn't wait to share them with wouldn't be there.....Morgan getting engaged, Morgan's first baby, my life being lyme free, the selling of our business......As dad and I started going through some of her clothes I had this realization of how little value this life holds without salvation and the word of our testimony. What else do we leave behind....a pile of clothes, shoes, purses, make-up all of no value to her now. On her last days what did those things matter to her. What really mattered was that she had peace in knowing her Lord and that she would be spending an eternity in glory....what really mattered was the love that she left behind...what really mattered was nothing of this world. But all of an eternal value. Dad and I are redifining our life.....but one thing that will never have to be redefined is the love that we know of our father and the value of the only thing that really matters in the end....our story, our love, our legacy, and the word of our testimony.

A Life Well Lived and Well Loved.

I have been so blessed to be the daughter of one of the most amazing women I have known. Yesterday as mom was having a very rough time she had just vomited dark bile all over herself, the bed, the pillow and the floor. Dad and I proceeded to clean her up we laid her back down in the bed and I sat down beside her on the bed, as I sat her arm that was draped across her hip fell down in front of me her wedding ring slipped off her now so tiny hands and it fell right into my lap. What makes that story so ironic is that after mom was diagnosed we were driving along and mom said I want you to try my wedding rings on to see if they will need to be altered, they fit perfect......so as the ring feel into my lap and I place it upon my finger and I told her "mom, I have your ring on my finger" she nodded her head yes as if she understood. We all lay there with her as we couldn't detect a B/P and we just knew that her time was coming to a close for mom. I began stroking her now thinly face her cheekbones and jaw bones ever more prominent since she has lost so much weight. As I stroked her face I couldn't help but wonder if on the day that I was born that she was doing the very same thing, thinking about how beautiful to her was this little angel that she held and I lay there thinking the same as I held her. I figured it this way, she held me when I came into this world and I held her on her way out of this world. Mom's legacy of endearing love for her family and friends, her love of nature and her love of the father will live on as we continue where she left off. I will miss you terribly mom and I will have to constantly remind myself of where you are and the days that you are having. I can't imagine anything being more beautiful than the place that you stand right now.......and I know that we all will see you soon. There's not enough thank you's in the world to tell you how much you have made me the woman that I am today. Heaven rejoices mom. We rejoice mom, somedays through the tear, somedays through joy. But today is your day mom. I wish you could give me a glimpse of what your seeing right now.

Who Is Jesus to Me????

Jesus the genie, Jesus the 911 operator....who really is Jesus to me? I cry out in need on my darkest days but how often do I call out his name on my mountain top days. We tend to use Jesus only when we really need him...other days we set him on the shelf to gather the dust of the day. Matthew 16:13-20 In a synopsis Jesus is sitting with his disciples when he point blank asks them "Who do people say that I am"? They answer with "some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets." But then he says to them "Who do YOU say that I am"? Simon Peter answered "You are the Christ the Son of the Living God." Only to be denied by Peter shorty after. It's easy for us to sit face to face with Jesus and say you are my all in all but when face to face with a non-believer we quickly forget who Jesus is in our lives. Jesus proceeds to tell Peter that he was blessed because that was not revealed to him by man but by God himself and "that you are Peter and on this rock I build my church and the gates of Hades (hell) will NOT overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven." Our future was built on that moment in time. God, through Jesus built his church on a single man that he knew would soon betray him. I fail him daily, I fall....but the difference in failing and falling is that in failing I give up in falling I get back up. Who do I say you are.....I say not only are you the son of the living God, you are Holy, you are trustworthy, you are love in its deepest form, you are forgiveness, you are the voice that I hear when I don't think I can get up one more time, you are my strength in these days as I grow weary. You are my God, my reason for living, the hope to which I am called, you are my all in all. Will I fail you....you know I will...but you love me still. You know my heart Lord....search it and see that it is true. YOU ARE LOVE AND LIGHT TO ME.

What Do I Know of Holy....

I heard that song on the radio today and I've heard it time after time....but for some reason today it really hit me.....what do I really know of Holy? I guess its been more on my mind lately with mom preparing to stand before the holy of holies. Mom always had such a beautiful singing voice and I remember as a child standing beside her in church and just gazing up at her as she was singing....I was just in awh of her voice...it was so beautiful. I understand now as a woman myself that her voice may not have been beautiful to anyone else but me, but because she belonged to me and because of my deep love for my mother it was as nothing I had ever heard before. I wonder if that's what God hears when He hears us sing to Him. Does he look at what he created, the son or daughter that he loves so dearly and stand there in awh of the sound of our voices as we worship Him. I had the opportunity to sit in the back of the sanctuary this morning something pastors don't get the opportunity or the joy to do very often.....but as I stood there singing I could hear the echo of voices that sang to the King of Kings, the holy of holies. I got goose bumps as I just absorbed the sound. Of course I have attended this church for years now and I can walk you up and down the rows and tell you of each of the stories of lives that have been transformed by a Holy God. Lives broken by divorce, bankrupcy, infidelity, addictions and even imprisonment. I can't help but feel a smile inside when I see their and my life transformed from surrendering to a higher calling. I sat their this morning and gazed at three of the known addicts that now live a life free of addictions and full of love and adoration for a God that delivered them. All serving God and his purposes now. But yet what do they really know of Holy? What do I really know of Holy? I have never stood face to face with someone so radiant with holiness that my eyes could not even gaze upon them. So when I see God I see only what my small imagination can fathom. I so wish mom could send a note from heaven I'm sure it would say.....My dearest Tim and Tammy....I wish you could see what I am seeing right now. His brilliance is that of the brightest sun yet a hundred times brighter. The train of his robe fills the temple and the sounds of the cherubum singing Holy...Holy....Holy is like nothing you have ever heard. I can't wait to show you all the beauty that surrounds me and the fragrances are so magnificiant the smell of fields of vivid flowers all in various colors...it is all to stunning to tell you about. So what do I know of Holy? Nothing until the day that I stand before the king of kings and Lord or Lords and He shows me.......HOLY!

You Heard My Cry....

God never ceases to amaze me. As mom rallied around last night and this morning I knew her time was drawing to a close. She said this morning that she was afraid to die. God in his infite grace gave me

Psalm 116

I love the Lord for he heard my voice;

he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. THE CORDS OF DEATH ENTANGLED ME, THE ANGUISH OF THE GRAVE CAME UPON ME; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. THEN, I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, save me!" The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, tha I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living. I believed therefore, I said, "I am greatly afflected." And in my dismay I said, "All men are liars." How can I repay the LORD for all his goodness to me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD. I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people. Precious in the sight of the LORD is death of his saints. O LORD, truly I am your servant; I am your servant the son of your maidservant, you have freed me from my chains. I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the LORD. I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people, in the courts of the house of the LORD-in your midst, O Jerusalem. PRAISE THE LORD

Notice how the name of the LORD is in all caps numerous times as the Jewish faith believes the true name of the LORD-YAHWEH was to reverent to be spoken. But to me, he is my God, my savior, my LORD, MY YAHWEH. Today Lord we lay mom from our arms to yours may she once again know laughter, joy and the beauty of your face. You are good Lord and worthy to be praised.