What now Lord.....

I've drifted away for the past few months. Not of my own accord but of a road that has been less traveled by. I spent alot of time last year on prayer mountain and taking long walks through my woods, thinking and praying and just spending time listening to the stillness of the moment. Little did I know that my time of peace and growth would lead me into months of a different growth. I've come to question alot of things in the past few months. It all began in April as I accepted the job of my dreams. I was going to be working as a nursing coordinator for a very busy ambulatory surgery center. Life in that moment could not have been brighter. I was walking on cloud nine. Never in my life have I been so excited to get up the next morning to just go do it again. I loved my job, I loved the company I worked for and I loved the staff that worked around me. But only weeks into the job I began to develop some very concerning issues. I first began to notice that when I spoke my words wouldn't come out right or they would slur, with everything in me I tried to cover up the fact that something was really wrong with me. Simple daily tasks began to be very complex for my mind to get around. I just couldn't seem to figure out what was wrong. Then I noticed joint pain that was so diverse that it even traveled to my toe joints, and then the fevers. What could possibly be wrong. I found myself pulling it all together so that I could at least function during the day at work, but only to come home to soak in a hot tub to releave the joint pain and straight to bed. I found myself pushing the world out and away from me. People from church meant well and wanted to help, but I couldn't stand what I was seeing in me let alone let them see me this way. There where days that I begged God to take me home away from the intense joint pain, the intense fatigue and the sickening feeling in my stomach that this wasn't just going to go away. I wanted to lead at work like I knew how to lead, but my mind wasn't crisp enough, I couldn't think anymore. I could only function. I wanted so much to turn to God and to my faith, but then I found when I turned to my bible I couldn't make out the words on the page, not only were they blurring together but they made no sense in this new infected brain of mine. Would I ever be the same. Would I ever get the passion of ministry back. What was happening and WHY! I loved the LORD, I gave my life to serving HIM. How could my energy, my vision, my stamina all be taken from me. How Lord will I serve you then? Many months have sence gone by and each day brings a little glimmer of hope. I begin to see things a little clearer now, but I ask you dear Lord to fill me once again with your spirit. With your passion. With your ability to get it all done. Many roadblocks have seemed to find their way into my path, but deep in my heart I knew there was no hurdle that I could not pass. God had gotten me this far and I knew He just wouldn't leave me here. So today, I pick up some of the small pieces of who I used to be and I begin to gather what pieces God wants me to gather to form the new me-one with a Heart Like HIS. Tear me, make me Lord. I want so much to be like you. I will suffer much but I will also know that at the end, I will stand before an amazing God and I will hear "Well done-Good and Faithful Servant." Just lead the way Lord-but remember the brain's a little slower this time so you may have to do more of the driving this time.