Who do you say that I am? We have all heard this question in our lives in the church, it was an infamous question that Jesus posed to Simeon one of his disciples. Jesus asked this of Simeon not because He didn't believe that Simeon knew who Jesus was....but because Jesus was setting up Simeon to see HIS true identity in Christ. Of all the disciples that worked with Jesus in his time here, there was only one that he changed their birthname. 

It came down something like this John 16-13 when Jesus asked his disciples "Who do you say that I am", most of them answered with what other people thought. "Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah and still other say Jeremiah or one of the prophets. At that moment he gazed over to Simeon and asked him "Who Do you Say that I am" Simeon answered with "You are the Christ the son of the living God." Jesus blessed Simeon and told him that, that had not been revealed to him by man but by God the father and at that moment Jesus changed Simeons name and his sense of purpose to Peter and Jesus said "on this rock I will build my church and the gates of Hades will nor prevail. 

I wonder at how often many of us have reflected on what God calls us....we fail to see the new identity in Christ and the things that we don't believe that in our flesh could be accomplished. If we saw ourselves the way God see's us and take the NEW name he has given us we could be far more effective in our ministry to others. Perhaps its time for us to find our true identify and to begin to live in the new name that we have been given. 

Lord help the church to find their new identities in you an pursue a path that you would want to build a church on. 

A Place I Don't Want to Go!

I've struggled for two weeks now, this is a place I've been asking God not to take me! Its easy for us all to show up to church on Sunday and then on Monday easily blend back in with our society of work, motherhood, wife, husband, father....whatever that may be for you. God called me out on a chapter in Isaiah that we studied back towards the start of Isaiah, at that time it was words on a page and though we know that everything God had his prophets and apostles write about was things he wanted us to know, this chapter meant little to us in the time we were living...it was only a part of prophecy that had yet to be fulfilled. Trust me!!! I've tried to move on and avoid going here....less you think I'm crazy, but God's not letting it go in my mind and he keeps bringing me back to this place and is asking me to share it with you. 

We all want to know that scripture is relevant in our lives and that we are walking in it, but from what we have read of scripture that seems so far fetched to us...those things happened back then but they don't happen today. Well today I'm here to tell you that, right now at this moment we are walking in the words that the Lord gave to Isaiah in regards to his prophecy of Israel and Syria! Today we are watching the scriptures unfold like a script from a movie being played and I stand back and am amazed that I am living in a time where I can see that a prophet that prophesied over 2800 years ago is telling the people of that time what is actually happening TODAY!!

I will do my best to tie all this together for you, the Lord has been flooding my head with scriptures all over the bible and he won't let me move forward in Isaiah until I help you to understand that we are living the bible....it is our script and we are the actors and actresses of a great movie!!

It all began for me about 7-8 years ago, God woke me up one night and all I kept hearing was Ezekiel 38. I lay there like any of us would saying "ok, I'll read it in the morning" but God persisted and all night I kept hearing Ezekiel 38. I finally relented and got up about 3 a.m and read it. Now I found myself even more perplexed than ever. God may as well have been speaking Greek (or Arabic) to me.....I remember asking him "what does all this mean and why are you telling me this." It wasn't for another 5 years that God finally revealed Ezekiel to me in its full clarity. Today I still wonder why he is telling me these things and what am I to do about them....except to prepare the hearts of His people to repent and turn back to Him he is desperately calling you back home.

I'm going to attempt to break down to you what took me years to discover and we'll start first with Ezekiel 38 and 39. Ezekiel 38 begins with Ezekiel saying that God gave him a word, he said "Son of man, set your face against Gog (ruler or king), of the land of Magog (modern day Russia), the chief prince of Meshech and Tubal (modern day Turkey); prophecy against him and say: "this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I am against you, O Gog, chief prince of Meshech and Tubal (Turkey). I will turn you around put hooks in your jaws and bring you out with your whole army-your horses, your horseman fully armed and a great horde with large and small shields, of all them brandishing their swords. Persia (modern day Iran), Cush (modern day Ehiopia) and Put (modern day Libya) will be with them, all with shields and helmets, also Gomer (modern day Germany) with all its troops, and Beth Togarmah (also part of Turkey) from the far NORTH with all its troops-the MANY nations with you."  Ezekiel goes on to say in verse 7 that they will be called to arms to invade a land that has recovered from war, whose people were gathered from many nations (if you refer back to Ezekiel 37:21, the Lord says "I will take Israelites out of the nations where they have gone, I will gather them from all around and bring them back into their own land......the nation that they will be overtaking will be Israel after its war with Syria, I'll show you why I say Syria in scripture in a bit). As you read on in Ezekiel you'll see that God sends Russia and other nations into Israel to plunder it and attack it after Israel destroys Syria. Few will be left in Israel and those that are left will be the followers of Christ. 

Now to take you to where we have already studied to show you that what Isaiah's prophesied is now happening. Isaiah 17 is an Oracle about Damascus-Syria. Isaiah says vs 1 "See, Damascus (Syria) will no longer be a city but will become a heap of ruins." Amos 1:3 This is what the Lord says: For three sins of Damascus (Syria) even for four, I will not turn back my wrath. I will send fire upon the house of Hazael that will consume the fortresses of Ben-Hadad. I will break down the gate of Damascus (Syria). Interestingly enough there have already been 3 major wars involving Syria and Israel 1948, 1967 and 1973 just as Amos had said "three" but the forth God will destroy Syria. As of last week Israel and Syria have declared war and main stream media has failed to discuss what is happening. Last night Bill pulled up an article on a news site of what was happening as of Friday and as of Friday many people are fleeing from Syria, Russia is setting up its defenses, Iran is preparing its nuclear missiles and all of scripture is coming into full alignment. We read the article and were amazed that you could almost lay the article next to your bible and be reading the same thing.   http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/08/world/meast/syria-more-dangerous/index.html?hpt=hp_bn2

These are all the beginnings of the birth pains. A final World War will come to pass before the final war that completes scripture. Is the war we are seeing in Israel and Syria in fact the final World War that will set into motion the second coming of Christ, scripture sure seems to point in that direction. I'm no scholar, I've never went to seminary....but I believe deeply in a God that speaks to his children when they have an ear to hear and heart to learn. Its time for us to turn back to God and be ready to stand in the face of opposition in these challenging times ahead. 

Allow this to challenge you to look at scripture and to look at life and see the same thing!! God is preparing the hearts of those that love him. 

I want to post this like I want to post a baseball bat to my head.....but I feel like I would be disobeying what God has asked me to do if I fail to do so. As our pastor always tells me "you brought all this on yourself when you told God to choose you that you would go." YEP, somedays I wonder if I knew what I was saying on that day sitting up at prayer mountain surrendering it all to God and asking Him to use me in a way that I never dreamt he could or would. So here I am "surrendered" and still saying "send me....I will go Isaiah 6:8" 

Isaiah's Prophecy of Revelation!

Our H20 Hydrate group has been digging into the book of Isaiah....but as the study has progressed I've had others ask me about Isaiah so to accommodate the needs of those that cannot attend a morning study I've decided to share the information in my blog. Many Christians avoid the book of Isaiah and those of the other prophets due to the depth of the information and being able to understand what is being said, it is for this reason that I chose to do a study on Isaiah to help take the confusion out of what Isaiah was telling the people then and what Isaiah has prophesied so many years ago that has yet to occur today.

This week we pick up in Isaiah 23 and end with Isaiah 24-27 which are the books where God gives Isaiah the prophesy about Revelation. I'll go back and update the first part of Isaiah for those of you that want to catch up, but just something to help you get started. Isaiah is broken into two parts; the first 39 chapters are a call to repentance for the people the last 27 chapters are God's message of forgiveness and hope. Ironically, if you flip back to your book of contents and count the books of the Old Testament there are exactly 39 books and 27 books in the New Testament. We will find many things that are wow moments throughout our study of Isaiah. Isaiah was the first prophet to foretell of the coming Messiah which was approximately 700 years before Christ's birth!! And Jesus himself would quote Isaiah's words during his time on earth.

We begin this week in Chapter 23, my recommendation is for you to first sit down and just read Isaiah 23 and as you read it as most of us have we seem to be more confused than full of understanding about what exactly Isaiah was saying, but as I break down the parts for you and when you re-read it you'll begin to have an ahh-haaa moment of "I understand now".  In Chapter 23 God is upset with Tyre. Now Tyre is one the largest commodities trading ports in the world back in this time. To gain a greater understanding Tyre is currently  50 miles South of Beirut, Lebanon and today is the fourth largest city of of Lebanon. Chapter 23 begins with "An oracle concerning Tyre" anytime we hear 'oracle' mentioned in scripture it is also interchangeable with the word 'burden'. So God had a burden against Tyre. God was very angry with Tyre as they had built themselves up and had no dependence on God's power but of their own power. Verse 2 "Be silent, you people of the island and you merchants of Sidon whom the seafarers have enriched" at this time merchants were princes and traders were known as honorables, not because of their royal ancestry but only because of their wealth and success. But the Lord got tired of their pride and allowed them to be destroyed therefore humbling them. The very supplies used by King Solomon and David to build the temple of God came from Tyre. Isaiah verse 5 says "when word came to Egypt they will be in anguish at the report from Tyre." The merchants were out of port and traveling when they had heard word of the Tyre destruction!. Isaiah 23:15 says "At that time Tyre will be forgotten for seventy years the span of a kings life. But at the end of these seventy years, it will happen to Tyre as in the song of the prostitute. Vs 17 At the end of seventy years the Lord will deal with Tyre. She will return to her hire as a prostitute and will ply her trade with all the kingdoms on the face of the earth. Yet her profit and her earnings will be set apart for the Lord; they will not be stored up or hoarded. Her profits will go to those who live before the Lord, for abundant food and fine clothes." It happened just as the Lord had told Isaiah. Tyre was destroyed by King Nebuchadnezzar and was left in ruins for 70 years and at that time was rebuilt. Tyre has been the city of many attacks and many desolations over the years. Since the last takeover by the Turks in 1517 Tyre has rebuilt but not over the ancient ruins it has rebuilt in close proximity and one can visit Tyre today and still view the ancient ruins as prophesied by Isaiah. Interestingly enough Ezekiel 26 gives a very clear and concise description of what happened in Tyre. We know for a fact that Tyre has not been completely destroyed as Jesus himself visited Tyre in Matthew 15:21, and some of the crowd that came to hear Jesus speak in Mark 3:8 were noted to have traveled from Tyre and Sidon. One of the interesting things to note is that the island part of Tyre sank into the sea. Was this part of what God had told Ezekiel in that it would not be inhabited again?

The next four Chapters God begins to reveal to Isaiah the Destruction of the Earth. Prophecy of Revelation! Which has yet to occur today. To think that a man chosen by God to reveal what God was going to do and to warn his people and that some of these things are warnings for us for those that are still living is beyond remarkable to me.

In Chapter 24 God begins by telling Isaiah that he will lay waste the Earth and that He will turn his face from her. Just as God did on the very day that his son hung on a cross bearing our sin, God could not bear to look upon his son carrying so much of our sin that in the moment that Jesus cries out to God "why, why have you foresaken me", God turns his very head from his only son and allows him to die bearing our sin and our shame.  God tells Isaiah that NOBODY will be the same, nobody will escape judgement. Judgement will be the same for priests as it is for the people, for master as the servant, for mistress as the maid, for seller as the buyer, for borrower as the lender and for debtor as for the creditor, (24:2) God speaks of how the earth will be defiled by its people; they have disobeyed the laws, violated the statutes (the commandments) and we have broken the everlasting convenant. Therefore a curse will consume the earth; its people MUST bear their guilt. Therefore earth's inhabitants are burned up and very few are left. (24:5-6). An interesting association is made in 2 Peter 3:7 "by the same word the present heavens and earth are reserved for fire, being kept for the day of judgement and destruction of ungodly men."  Isaiah 24:10 "The ruined city lies desolate" as it says in Rev 16:19 "The great city split into three parts and cities of nations collapsed." Isaiah 24:19 "The earth is broken up, the earth is split asunder, the earth is thoroughly shaken. The earth reels like a drunkard, it sways like a hut in the wind, so heavy upon it is the guilt of its rebellion that it falls--never to rise again. Revelation 6:12 tells of a similar shaking "I watched as he opened the sixth seal. There was a great earthquake. The sun turned black like sackcloth made of goat hair, the whole moon turned blood red and the stars of the sky fell to earth. The earth is mentioned no less than sixteen times in Chapter 24 alone, not just a place on earth, but the earth as a whole. When the disciples asked Jesus in Luke 21:11 "how will we know, what will be the signs of the second coming? Jesus replies "nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places and fearful events and great signs from Heaven."

Isaiah 25 is a chapter  of hope for those that exalt and praise the Lord during these troubled times. Isaiah says 25:3 "therefore strong peoples will honor you; cities of ruthless nations will revere you. You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat" Isaiah goes on to say in verse 6 "on this mountain (this mountain would be Mt Zion) the Lord Almighty will prepare a feast  of rich for all peoples (people that believe and hold strong in their faith till the end) he will swallow up death forever. see also Hosea 13:14 "I will ransom them from the power of the grave, I will redeem them from death". For those who believe God has promised a deliverance from even death itself. A death that cannot hold us, a death that cannot contain us. In Him we who believe will find victory for all our sufferings.

Isaiah 26 Isaiah says "we have a strong city; God makes salvation its walls and ramparts, open the gates that the righteous nation may enter, the nation that keeps FAITH. You will keep in perfect peace (sustain) him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. TRUST in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal. He humbles those who dwell on high (city of God-which is the kingdom of God) and he lays the lofty city low (which is the worldly system of man). In which will we put our trust?

To be kept in perfect peace our minds must be "stayed". The Hebrew word for stayed is sawmak it comes from the root 'to prop' and has the idea to 'lean upon or take hold of'...'bear up, establish, uphold, lay lean, lie hard, put, rest self, set self, stand fast...Sustain'

So what sustains your mind? What do you lay your mind upon? What upholds your mind? What does your mind stand fast upon? What is your mind established on? What does your mind lean upon? To have perfect peace your mind cannot occasionally come to the Lord it has to be 'stayed' on Him.

That's why Isaiah reminded us in 26:4 to "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the rock eternal."

When we trust in the Lord we keep our mind 'stayed' on him!!

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Lean remember is taken from the same root as word as 'stayed'. So we 'stay' NOT on our own understanding which is weak, frail and faulty.

The battle for trust in our lives begins in our minds. If we trust the Lord it will show in our actions but it will begin in our minds!!

God is the rock, He does not have everlasting strength, HE IS everlasting strength.

Of all the things I found extremely interesting in my study of Isaiah was not only his prophecy of what was going to happen and it happened in just the way God had revealed to him, but it was the fact that in his day Isaiah was most likely proclaimed to be a nut. Who could even fathom the things Isaiah was telling the people were going to happen and probably one of my most favorite is 26:19 "But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust wake up and shout for joy. Your dew is like the dew of the morning; the earth will give birth to her dead." WHAT???? So Isaiah let me get this straight!!!???!!! You are saying that dead people are going to rise from their graves?? Do we all get this straight? This was pre-Christ's birth let alone his resurrection. This man of God was saying that people would rise out of their graves for the day of judgement. Christ hadn't even rose from the dead yet, there was no Lazarus coming back from death yet? But yet Isaiah saw it happen many, many years prior to even the first resurrection and he has foreseen our resurrection on that day!

Isaiah 27 was probably one of the most disturbing chapters I think that Isaiah had to write. Can you imagine God giving you a vision of the last days of earth thousands of years prior to them happening, knowing that you would never see them and the people that you were telling the story too would never see it happen and wondering if you should even say anything thus leaving yourself out there to look like some crazy man. But then God placed John on the island of Patmos and on that island he gives John the same vision as he gave to Isaiah about how it will all come to a close. Sealing the deal for Isaiah as probably one of the greatest prophets ever.

Isaiah 27 starts out "In that day" many of us have read those three simple words and skimmed across them as though they meant nothing....in all reality those three simple words  "In that day" is the very day of judgement the day that we all will stand before God and give an account for ourselves. So "in that day" has far greater meaning than any of us ever gave it credit to mean.  It goes on to say "the Lord will punish with his sword, his fierce great and powerful sword." I'm sorry but I have to stop here....because it was here that God gave me a huge revelation. I recalled God using the sword in Revelation 12 and 13 to slay the three demons in the end of the ages but if you will turn back to Genesis 3:24 you will find a greater revelation one that almost all of us have probably missed. "After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life." My mind whirled.....was this.....could this be that God used the very same sword that in the very beginning he used to protect his tree of life (Christ) to avenge Satan in the last days. Sounded like a great ending to a great movie to me. I had never in all of my years placed the two of these together that God placed a sword in the beginning and then used a sword to end it all!!.

Isaiah 27:3 continues  "Leviathan the gliding serpent, Leviathan the coiling serpent, he slay the monster of the sea" relate this verse to what God allowed John to see in Revelation, Rev 12: 3 "Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns. Rev 13:1 And I saw a beast coming out of the sea, he had ten horns and seven heads. Rev 13:11 Then I saw another beast coming out of the earth. He had two horns like a lamb, but he spoke like a dragon. (the last dragon if you will read the rest of the Revelation is in reference to the anti-Christ, John goes on to say that the third beast was given great power and performed miraculous signs).

Isaiah once again says "In that day" God will guard those that call upon him and in verse 6 of Isaiah 27 he says "In days to come Jacob will take root, Israel will bud and blossom and fill all the world with fruit" this is in reference to the great move of Christ that will occur before the end of time.

There is so much knowledge to be gained by studying the prophets of old. God didn't send them to the people for only their time but he sent them here to tell us all of what God expects and what God does on an unrepenting nation. Its time to wake up America......God is calling us just like he did the people in Isaiah's time to call upon his name and be ready to give an account for ourselves on that day that this world comes to an end and eternal life begins!

The Unanswered Question

Gosh, I can't even remember the last time I blogged I know its been way too long. The one thing my mom told me before she passed was that she wanted me to keep writing and quite honestly I guess that's what makes it harder is that every time I write the memories of mom flood back. 

My thoughts have drifted back to nursing school and I recall a lesson in one of our psych classes that talked about the top ten major stressors in life and amoung those stressors were; death of a loved one, new job, losing a job, illness, family illness, child graduating and leaving home, etc. You get it and we are all familiar with what causes stress in our life. But today it really dawned on me....that in the past 3 years I was diagnosed with a chronic illness that I struggle with on a daily basis, my young mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness and my father and I took care of her while she made her way home, my father remarries (mind you she is just what my mom asked me to make sure she was.....as I write this through many tears....do you have any idea how hard it is to have your mother tell you what she wants in a woman for your father and the reality of knowing that life was really going to go on without mom hits) months later after mom passed I get a phone call from my Grandma (my moms mom)  telling me that she woke up yellow as she asks me "what does this mean." Being a nurse I knew exactly what it meant......she too was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I recall that phone call as my sister in love (as she says) had to drive Grandma and I up to that cat scan that day because I was too sick to drive. I sat in the back seat as Kate and Grandma were sitting in the front seat and my cell phone rang and Dr. Fullerton's Springfield Clinic name came up (this too....being a nurse I knew wasn't a good sign). He immediately said I'm sorry but she too has the same cancer and the same fate and the same death as your mother. My mind reeled at how could I do this again, Lord I'm not strong enough!! Then months later I have a spot on my side that I know is not right and I end up seeing a dermatologist she removes it and a week later yet another doctor call saying the spot they have removed is malignant melanoma and then they proceed to tell me that pancreatic cancer and melanoma are often caused by the same gene and the chance that my mother, my grandmother and I would all have related cancers leads them to believe that we fall into a rare 10% of people that have a genetic cancer and I end up meeting with a genetic counselor that tells me that my odds because of my melanoma of developing pancreatic cancer are in the 75% percentile. Processing.......who can process all this. I drove home from that visit and wanted to just keep driving until I ran off the coast of California into the ocean. WHY Lord?? Why? When I've served you, I've dedicated my life to you, I love you with every ounce of being that I have? There is so much more.....we sold our family business, I had to quit the job I loved, my days are still a struggle with the lyme disease. But in all things.....God has been the constant presence in it all. 

Thus all this brings me to today. I had ran in to town hoping to run by Walmart but as I drove in to town the vertigo starts again which means no Walmart and just coming back home. But on my drive home God reminds me of Jacob in Genesis 32:30. Jacob had lead a tortured life being the second born twin meant that the family blessing would be upon the first born son..his brother Esau. In Genesis 32 Jacob is trying to run from certain death as he knows his brother wants to kill him, he stops in the wilderness and sends his family ahead and is left alone there, where he falls into a deep sleep. As Jacob sleeps a man appears and begins to wrestle with Jacob and they wrestle all through the night. Little did Jacob know but he was wresting with the very presence of God himself. After God see's that Jacob is not going to surrender to His will He touches the hip socket of Jacob and dislocates his hip and immediately following this God turns around and blessed Jacob. Jacob struggled the rest of his life with the limp that wrestle with God left but through His wrestling with God his life was blessed as He surrendered to God.

God also reminded me of Job and everything that God allowed Satan to steal from Job....all of his children, all of his earthly wealth and even his health. God just told Satan, "you can test Job by doing whatever you want to him.....but you can't have his life." In Job 30 after Satan has taken everything away from Job including now his health Job cries out Job 30:20 "I cry out to you O God, but you do not answer. I stand up, but you merely look at me. You turn on me ruthlessly......" This from the man that God tells Satan is the most righteous man of all. I find myself on so many days crying out to God, begging for his mercy, begging for him to end all of this. I've spent 3 days in bed this week with vertigo and vomiting, unable to eat, unable to do really anything and its on those days that I feel Job's pain, I feel his cries and I too wonder why? Why Lord do you just stand and look at me? But as I once heard a pastor say, lucky for us we know what Job didn't know. We know chapter 42 when God blessed the later part of Job's life more than the first. There is a song by Brian Johnson called "Show Me Your Face" and in it he asks God to give him strength to stand and that he could make it through it all if he could just see God's face. I play that song a lot as it has become my cry to God. I can make it to the end Lord......"show me your face Lord, show me your face...I can make it to the end Lord if I could just see your face". 

Consumed......

Burn day comes but once a year at the Konneker house, but the anticipation of it looms in the air for weeks before the event. I guess you could say that between my dad, my father in law and myself we are consumed by the idea that we get to go play with fire once a year. I really think we should be hired as full time controlled burners....but I don't think they would pay someone so eager to do their job.

Burning off the old and watching the new life spring up afterwards gives such an excitement to spring. To see what was once dead and lifeless burnt away and within weeks new fresh green life come in its place just fills ones heart with such accomplishment. Isn't that so much of what our lives are like. Over the winter most of us become stale, stagnant and lifeless.....much like the bear hibernating for the winter. Spring comes and our lives all wake up like a flower pushing its way up from the dirt and breathing in the fresh air of spring....ready to tackle another year of rains, storms, drought and then winter once again, always braving the elements and always enduring through it all.

I wonder is our life as consuming as the fire? Do we fully understand the brevity of our lives? If we did understand the brevity of our lives would we live it differently? Would we be consumed with doing more? Would we change how we lived each day? I watched as a field that once stood tall with 6' grasses was reduced to nothing more than ash within an hour......so are our lives in reality. We all get a certain amount of time in our life and I want to be just as consumed as the grasses were with the difference the fire made in them with the lives that I come in contact with on a daily basis. May my life be one that is Consumed.

The tears that no one sees....

We have been so blessed in our life. I look back at the marriage, the children and the grandchildren that Bill and I have been blessed with....but today it all seems so clouded by this dark cloud. I HATE THIS DISEASE. I hate what its done to me, I hate what its made me, I hate that it has taken so much of ME away.

So many of us have been through what I would call a "dark night of the soul," I experienced it probably about 7 years ago. It was a time in my life where God seemed so silent. I prayed, I dug deep into scripture, I listened to uplifting messages but it just seemed that God had pulled away his hand from me. It scared me, I didn't know if I had done something that had displeased him or why the silence all of a sudden. I thought I would die, I couldn't do this life without him and without the strength that he provided me and the words of knowledge that I needed always at the appropriate time.....then silence.

In Samuel, Saul found himself being imploded upon by the Philistines, he prayed but God did not answer, not in dreams, not in visions and not with a word. I know its in these times that it is a time for us to sit patiently and wait upon the Lord. But this isn't supposed to happen to me. I feel as though I'm trapped in a body that has totally gone haywire. It's tiring to wake up one day and feel utterly normal and function normally to sometimes hours to a day later completely unable to accomplish the smallest tasks. Tears come as there are days that my physical body and mental body is so tired of fighting and not knowing when this will ever end.

It's difficult being in crowds of people as the dizziness sets in and then the disorientation follows. None of us want others to see us fail, to see us in a state of frailty. I've found out how really small and insignificant we really are in such a vast world. I remember the day of my grandfathers funeral....as we pulled out in the funeral procession that the outside world was continuing on with life. How could this be? This man that I knew was a man of God, he served the Lord with all that he was, nothing in him was ever evil or un-christlike. How is it that everything didn't stand still at this moment....after all....it did for me.

On the day that I'm placed in the ground or any of us are placed in the ground....the pile of papers that need addressed on our desks, the phone calls that need returned and all the things that we see that have to be done......will soon be forgotten. But the time that I spend with my children and my grandchildren molding their lives and showing them how to live in Christ is all that will really matter.

It's been a down day today as I had to turn down doing the Women's Ministry once again this year. I can't even plan a haircut in advance as I don't know from moment to moment if I'll be upright or laid out begging God to end this misery. All I ask for is my health back, all I ask for is that from today forward I can get up daily and enter the world as everyone else enters....without wondering when its going to hit me. I think I'm having better days, but unlike before when I felt bad everyday....now I can feel great and have the wind knocked from my sail in a matter of minutes. When will this torture end. When can I begin to enjoy life again, when can I feel good again. When do I get to pick up the pieces of a terrible 2 years and turn this around to a story that God can use.

The best beauty comes form the worst pain.....

It's a battle that rages from day to day. Although I do feel like I am getting better when I look back at the past year....it still is so hard to not be what I used to be. I just got over having 3 days thatI believed where good days, Bill says "well you had better hours in the day, but not necessarily good days. Then Saturday evening at 5 pm it all started creeping back, I hate when it starts to come back on....because everytime I have a few good days I tend to get a little excited that maybe this is finally all over. So yesterday and today have been not so fun. Sleep has become a thing of the past.

I lay awake until 1 am if I'm lucky but mostly 3 am or Sunday morning I got in bed at 5 am, for Bill to be getting up. Kind of felt funny...that he was getting up and I was finally going to bed. Then when I do sleep the dreams are very vivid. I dreamt yesterday morning that my mom was sitting on the bed with me....she was saying something to me but for the life of me I can't recall what she said.

I know God has a story to tell through this. I know that everything that has happened in my life God has used to give glory to himself. I also know that throughout scripture everyone that God used had difficulties along the way. Character builders!! I am ready for that time. I'm ready to have the strength and energy and feel good enough to get back out there and be an inspiration to the gospel that I stand upon. I feel like I'm traped right now in a world that doesn't use my ministry gifts. I pray daily that God would remove this thorn and my ministry can resume.

Pain and hardship builds character.....but I'm wondering how much character building was I needing. Had pride stepped in the way of my ministry. Had my ability to accomplish everything on my own strength yielded God to take me to a level that my dependence was totally on his strength. What lesson am I to take from this and in what way Lord do you want me to use this. I ask for wisdom and discernment on what God's plan for my life is and I ask for strength to endure so that through this I may bring glory to him.

Learning to Live with Lyme...

I never thought I would find myself in this position, in some way we all see ourselves as invincible.....but that all changed for me in May 2009. I had decided not to blog about Lyme because I didn't want lyme to define me.....but as time has passed I find myself reading other lyme patients blogs just to reassure me that someday I'll remember what normal is again. Lyme is such an unforgivable foe.....it affects every organ system of the body and can migrate from one place to another from one hour to the next or from one day to the next. It all began with some mild confusion and what seemed to be panic attacks. I've always been a very emotionally stable person never waivering between good moods and bad moods. I was always happy and always focused on the good in every situation. But I found that I would feel tearful for no reason at all, I would get disoriented to the point that I was afraid that I was loosing my mind. Embarrassed at first by the symptoms.....I didn't tell anyone what was going on. I had recently started a new job and my nurses would come up and talk to me and it was a surreal out of body type of experience as if I was standing aside watching what was going on but not really being able to comprehend what was being asked.....Ohh, I did the best I could at covering up the symptoms, but then I began developing a fever, swollen and very painful joints. I worried about rheumatoid arthritis as the joint pain had affected my toe joints which was very uncommon. Then the dizzy spells began....my commute one way to work was an hour and on many days when I was the opening coordinator I would get up at 3 am to be at the surgery center by 4:30 so that I could get myself together and begin to prepare for the nurses arrival at 5 am. I would have many days that pulling over 4 or 5 times on the way to work to vomit was not uncommon, many days where the center line moved back and forth on the road and I would find myself not knowing if I was in the correct lane or not. As the lyme began to take its toll, I ended up having to resign my position (a job that I loved dearly) as my mother had been diagnosed with terminal cancer at the same time. It's hard to help people to understand the face of lyme unless you've experienced a day in it. A lyme patient can change on a dime. Great one moment and useless the next. I've went to bed on more occasions than I care to remember wandering if I would awaken the next day. Then only to be tied up in a political battle over the treatment of lyme. It seems that the CDC has its set of guidelines to treat lyme which entails a month of antibiotics and then they say your cured. I settled for this for about a year. While on the antibiotics life was at least functionable but off.....life was a living breathing hell. Most doctors steer clear of treating lyme because many doctors that treat long term lyme are being sued for doing such by insurance companies. I was sent to see a rheumatologist due to the ongoing joint pain and he immediately says its not lyme its rheumatoid arthritis. I've got the positive lyme results in my hand, know that I've been bit by a tick and know that I've been sick ever since. WHAT part of that do they not understand. I've been told that its just post lyme syndrome and that the symptoms just have to run their course.....easy for them to say when they aren't running daily fevers up to 100.6, living in excruciating joint pain, so dizzy that a drunk could walk a straighter line than I could, heart arrhythmias, nausea, vomiting, migraine type headaches and oh the inability to sleep the one thing you would like to do when you feel so bad. But yet they say this is normal....finally after much research and a God moment I was given a phone number of a lyme specialist that has actually had lyme himself. I have come to learn far more than I ever knew or wanted to know about lyme disease. I want my life back, I want to wake up in the morning and be ready to tackle a full day of work, mowing, landscaping and all the things I love to do...but instead I wake to joints that are froze up and find myself having to soak in epsom salts just to be able to move. I've tried to keep active and walk up and down the driveway.....many a time carrying a phone with me because I wasn't sure if I could make it down the driveway and back without blacking out. Lyme has though given me the ability to slow down and see whats really important in life. I now see how hurried everyone else is and the impatience of people today. I have learned that life is full of uncertainties and that each day that I have a good day is a gift from God. It's my hope that through this writing people can begin to understand the devastating toll that lyme presents and how important it is to prevent this disease. This is the card I've been dealt right now....not the card I asked for but the one that I have been given. Life today is definitely different than what I thought it would be at this time of my life but I'm learning to appreciate even the small gifts in life. Don't make an illness wake you up to the beautiful gifts of life that surround you everyday.

Don't Know How I Got Here...

I don't know how I got here...not in that sense of the word. I know about the birds and bees, momma and daddy and the like...I mean how did I get HERE to my blog site today. I wasn't even trying to get to my blogsite and I must have hit a wrong button and now I find myself here. I don't want to be here today. My mind has seemed so foggy lately that I avoid my blogsite thinking that I don't know what I am supposed to write and are my thoughts clear enough to convey what my heart feels and thinks right now. I don't know if it just fatigue from taking care of a dying parent, the remnants of lyme or is this just me right now. YIKES, hoping its not the latter of the three. I miss work...I know...most of you are saying wow I wish I could have an extended vacation. NO, you really don't. We all get this sense of accomplishment from our jobs, for what we do everyday to make a difference in some way. I'm struggling with that lately. I look around me at a world that seems to go on with everyday life and I want my old energy back, I want my old mind back, I want my old life back. I guess you could say I feel stuck. I feel like the turtle that you stumble across in the timber that is lying upside down on his back wandering first off how he even got in this position to begin with...he didn't ask to be upside down, left on his back with no physical means of turning his now upside down world upright again. He lies there and just watches as the timber scurries with life around him, the squirrels gather their nuts...oh, yeah they notice that he is now upside down but what are they to do....so they scurry on their way continuing what their day was set out to accomplish. A deer passes by and gives the turtle a glance of..."hey...did you notice that your upside down?" NO really, I was just checking out what the sky looks like from my rounded shell of a back!! I had read a book once by Sheila Walsh called "The Heartache That No One Sees." in it she had wrote about the church and how we all march along as one happy band until one of us falls...the others pause for a moment...but soon they continue to march on, without even looking back. How many times have we failed as the church? How many times has one of our very own found himself lying in the timber, upside, with only a rounded shell to hold him up and no way of turning himself back over to march along with the rest of the church. In second Corinthians Paul is writing to the church in Corinth....Paul of all people has spent his fair share of time in the timber lying flat on his back wandering how he got where he was and how would he ever get out of it... there was even a point in Pauls life where he said that he was torn about dying or living. To die would bring life with Christ but in life he would spend his time teaching from his back experiences leading people to Christ and giving eternal life to those that knew no life. Anyway....in second Corinthians Paul is explaining to the church that in this life we will have hardships, we will suffer, we will despair even of life. "Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us" 2 Corinthians 1:9-10. Though my days and many of yours may be like that turtle lying in the woods. God has a plan....and he may very well have let us roll over....stuck on our back just so we'll be forced to take the time to see and focus on His plan.

Happy Mother's Day Mom...

Its so hard to believe a month has passed already...and boy was I sure not thinking that Mother's Day would land on the exact day that mom passed. Guess we both should have had better planning on that part. I haven't blogged in awhile as I am still trying to wrap my hands around these new feelings and emotions that are going on in me. Feelings and emotions that are not familiar to me, that I don't know what to do with. Bill told me the other day that it was kind of like getting married for the first time...a place of emotions and feelings that we had not experienced until after we married and we grew to love and know one another. Or kind of like the first time they lay that new baby in your arms and all these emotions well up inside of you....will I be everything that this little being needs, can I love unconditionally, can I be what all of a sudden is expected of me as..."mom." I've lost alot of people in my life....grandparents and great-grandparents, but this new feeling of letting my mom go has been one that I have found to be such a painful journey. I didn't realize all my mom was too me until she is no longer here...mom, friend, confidant, that ear to hear all that troubles me in life. I find myself listening for the phone to ring only to find that it doesn't ring anymore with mom's voice on the other end. I don't like tears, I like to celebrate the good things of life and to work past those issues that I cannot change in life. So to me these emotions and feelings are something new to work through. I guess time will begin to heal the heart....but I do believe that God created in each of us a special place in our hearts for mom that is never meant to be filled with anything but mom. So this mothers day mom...is going to be rough. But as I continue to work through the emotions of it all...you are never far from my thoughts nor my heart.

Just Sitting Down in the Throne Room of God...

I was overwhelmed today by the presence of God as we celebrated mom's life. I can't help but be overwhelmed by God's presence every time I get a chance to worship. Well very seldom during a funeral do you get a chance to to worship, but much to my pleasant surprise our worship pastor played the new modern version of "It Is Well With My Soul." At first the song just played but then he had the words to the song up on the big screen and the words just started to come out and then as if I was hearing an echo those attending the funeral echoed the words behind me.....everything in me was busting at the seams....I just can't worship sitting down in my chair as if I was casually singing to the King of Kings. I finally couldn't stand it anymore and being in the front of the church I didn't want to draw attention but everything in me couldn't stand it anymore and I had to stand to my feet to worship a God that I am not worthy to SIT in the presence of. I like being in the back of the church. I like praising God knowing its just Him and I and no one is watching. I love my quiet time spent just listening for his voice. I so remember as a child attending church and seeing everyone sitting down singing in a dulldrom choir like monotone voice and at that time that was what I knew of church....but then as an adult I came to KNOW what a relationship was with Christ and just sitting and worshiping the way I had known as a child just didn't seem worthy enough of the most High God. So much in me wants to turn around and YELL to the whole congregation "if you were standing in Heaven right now and you were face to face with God, is this how you would be worshiping." YOU ARE!! Whether your in your car, in your house or standing in church God is before you. Worship with all of your heart. And when I am STANDING in the throne room of God worshiping with everyone else there.....I don't even know if I'll be STAND...I may be the one flat on the floor before my maker.

Redefined Life...

After mom passed Friday we called pastor Tim to let him know of her passing. Tim came out and sat with us until they came to take her away. After the undertaker left Tim took a moment to pray with my dad, Bill and I and something really hit me about his prayer for us he asked God to help us in this time of our life as we "redefine" our lives without mom in them. I had not really thought of that up until that point. I was living the day to day of caring for her needs moment by moment and had not thought of how life will function without her in it. It's taken a few days to reorganize life for dad and I we are still busy with tending to the preparations for family and friends to come and celebrate our lives and their lives that were spent with mom as wife, mother, daughter, grandmother, friend and co-worker. We know that the true realization of moms absence in our life has not really hit us yet....friends and family remind us that it really doesn't hit you for a few weeks after their passing. Moments come where the tears just flow and others are filled with such joy in knowing what her life is like now. I am beginning to see the redifining time. I've already picked up the phone and dialed her number to realize that there would be no answer on the other end. I've thought about future events and how the one person that I couldn't wait to share them with wouldn't be there.....Morgan getting engaged, Morgan's first baby, my life being lyme free, the selling of our business......As dad and I started going through some of her clothes I had this realization of how little value this life holds without salvation and the word of our testimony. What else do we leave behind....a pile of clothes, shoes, purses, make-up all of no value to her now. On her last days what did those things matter to her. What really mattered was that she had peace in knowing her Lord and that she would be spending an eternity in glory....what really mattered was the love that she left behind...what really mattered was nothing of this world. But all of an eternal value. Dad and I are redifining our life.....but one thing that will never have to be redefined is the love that we know of our father and the value of the only thing that really matters in the end....our story, our love, our legacy, and the word of our testimony.

A Life Well Lived and Well Loved.

I have been so blessed to be the daughter of one of the most amazing women I have known. Yesterday as mom was having a very rough time she had just vomited dark bile all over herself, the bed, the pillow and the floor. Dad and I proceeded to clean her up we laid her back down in the bed and I sat down beside her on the bed, as I sat her arm that was draped across her hip fell down in front of me her wedding ring slipped off her now so tiny hands and it fell right into my lap. What makes that story so ironic is that after mom was diagnosed we were driving along and mom said I want you to try my wedding rings on to see if they will need to be altered, they fit perfect......so as the ring feel into my lap and I place it upon my finger and I told her "mom, I have your ring on my finger" she nodded her head yes as if she understood. We all lay there with her as we couldn't detect a B/P and we just knew that her time was coming to a close for mom. I began stroking her now thinly face her cheekbones and jaw bones ever more prominent since she has lost so much weight. As I stroked her face I couldn't help but wonder if on the day that I was born that she was doing the very same thing, thinking about how beautiful to her was this little angel that she held and I lay there thinking the same as I held her. I figured it this way, she held me when I came into this world and I held her on her way out of this world. Mom's legacy of endearing love for her family and friends, her love of nature and her love of the father will live on as we continue where she left off. I will miss you terribly mom and I will have to constantly remind myself of where you are and the days that you are having. I can't imagine anything being more beautiful than the place that you stand right now.......and I know that we all will see you soon. There's not enough thank you's in the world to tell you how much you have made me the woman that I am today. Heaven rejoices mom. We rejoice mom, somedays through the tear, somedays through joy. But today is your day mom. I wish you could give me a glimpse of what your seeing right now.

Who Is Jesus to Me????

Jesus the genie, Jesus the 911 operator....who really is Jesus to me? I cry out in need on my darkest days but how often do I call out his name on my mountain top days. We tend to use Jesus only when we really need him...other days we set him on the shelf to gather the dust of the day. Matthew 16:13-20 In a synopsis Jesus is sitting with his disciples when he point blank asks them "Who do people say that I am"? They answer with "some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets." But then he says to them "Who do YOU say that I am"? Simon Peter answered "You are the Christ the Son of the Living God." Only to be denied by Peter shorty after. It's easy for us to sit face to face with Jesus and say you are my all in all but when face to face with a non-believer we quickly forget who Jesus is in our lives. Jesus proceeds to tell Peter that he was blessed because that was not revealed to him by man but by God himself and "that you are Peter and on this rock I build my church and the gates of Hades (hell) will NOT overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven." Our future was built on that moment in time. God, through Jesus built his church on a single man that he knew would soon betray him. I fail him daily, I fall....but the difference in failing and falling is that in failing I give up in falling I get back up. Who do I say you are.....I say not only are you the son of the living God, you are Holy, you are trustworthy, you are love in its deepest form, you are forgiveness, you are the voice that I hear when I don't think I can get up one more time, you are my strength in these days as I grow weary. You are my God, my reason for living, the hope to which I am called, you are my all in all. Will I fail you....you know I will...but you love me still. You know my heart Lord....search it and see that it is true. YOU ARE LOVE AND LIGHT TO ME.

What Do I Know of Holy....

I heard that song on the radio today and I've heard it time after time....but for some reason today it really hit me.....what do I really know of Holy? I guess its been more on my mind lately with mom preparing to stand before the holy of holies. Mom always had such a beautiful singing voice and I remember as a child standing beside her in church and just gazing up at her as she was singing....I was just in awh of her voice...it was so beautiful. I understand now as a woman myself that her voice may not have been beautiful to anyone else but me, but because she belonged to me and because of my deep love for my mother it was as nothing I had ever heard before. I wonder if that's what God hears when He hears us sing to Him. Does he look at what he created, the son or daughter that he loves so dearly and stand there in awh of the sound of our voices as we worship Him. I had the opportunity to sit in the back of the sanctuary this morning something pastors don't get the opportunity or the joy to do very often.....but as I stood there singing I could hear the echo of voices that sang to the King of Kings, the holy of holies. I got goose bumps as I just absorbed the sound. Of course I have attended this church for years now and I can walk you up and down the rows and tell you of each of the stories of lives that have been transformed by a Holy God. Lives broken by divorce, bankrupcy, infidelity, addictions and even imprisonment. I can't help but feel a smile inside when I see their and my life transformed from surrendering to a higher calling. I sat their this morning and gazed at three of the known addicts that now live a life free of addictions and full of love and adoration for a God that delivered them. All serving God and his purposes now. But yet what do they really know of Holy? What do I really know of Holy? I have never stood face to face with someone so radiant with holiness that my eyes could not even gaze upon them. So when I see God I see only what my small imagination can fathom. I so wish mom could send a note from heaven I'm sure it would say.....My dearest Tim and Tammy....I wish you could see what I am seeing right now. His brilliance is that of the brightest sun yet a hundred times brighter. The train of his robe fills the temple and the sounds of the cherubum singing Holy...Holy....Holy is like nothing you have ever heard. I can't wait to show you all the beauty that surrounds me and the fragrances are so magnificiant the smell of fields of vivid flowers all in various colors...it is all to stunning to tell you about. So what do I know of Holy? Nothing until the day that I stand before the king of kings and Lord or Lords and He shows me.......HOLY!

You Heard My Cry....

God never ceases to amaze me. As mom rallied around last night and this morning I knew her time was drawing to a close. She said this morning that she was afraid to die. God in his infite grace gave me

Psalm 116

I love the Lord for he heard my voice;

he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. THE CORDS OF DEATH ENTANGLED ME, THE ANGUISH OF THE GRAVE CAME UPON ME; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. THEN, I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, save me!" The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, tha I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living. I believed therefore, I said, "I am greatly afflected." And in my dismay I said, "All men are liars." How can I repay the LORD for all his goodness to me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD. I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people. Precious in the sight of the LORD is death of his saints. O LORD, truly I am your servant; I am your servant the son of your maidservant, you have freed me from my chains. I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the LORD. I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people, in the courts of the house of the LORD-in your midst, O Jerusalem. PRAISE THE LORD

Notice how the name of the LORD is in all caps numerous times as the Jewish faith believes the true name of the LORD-YAHWEH was to reverent to be spoken. But to me, he is my God, my savior, my LORD, MY YAHWEH. Today Lord we lay mom from our arms to yours may she once again know laughter, joy and the beauty of your face. You are good Lord and worthy to be praised.

Reflection of Glory

We are called to be reflections of God. Our calling is to strive daily to "take up our cross," actually scripture says that if anyone of us is to follow Christ we must deny ourselves and take up our cross DAILY. I guess I forget this part somedays, I like most people get tied up in the daily grind of life and forget sometimes where I even put that cross. And deny myself.....wow....self sacrifice, who would even hear of self sacrifice in a world where the media and everything around us tells us its all about US. What happened to the days where we would open the door for someone coming after us, or when we get up to the checkout allowing the person with the few items to go on ahead of us. Where and when did we throw self sacrifice out the window. How will the people recognize us as Christ Followers if people can't see the fruit that we bear from our tree. I dare to think that God had an ultimate design for the tree of life, it was to impart wisdom and knowledge. We were the ones that chose to abuse what God had intended to be a gift. As Jesus was teaching His disciples He told them that of all the things they had witnessed him do that "WE" would do greater things yet. Greater things yet.......but we see ourselves as "unworthy" to be used so we succumb to an average Christian life when God has already told us "YOU will do even greater things than I" Jesus. Every person that God used in scripture was an average Joe just like you and I. Jesus accomplished HUGE events that changed history through people just like us. My goal is to be a reflection of the image that I see. And what I see when I see the tree is Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self control. And when they look into my reflection may they not see a reflection of me.... but may they see Jesus reflected in me.

Sift Me Lord.....Sift Me

I know that I brought about all that we are going through as a family when I sat out at prayer mountain and I asked God to "Sift Me...sift me, as wheat." I thought at the time I knew what I had just asked God to do. I wanted anything that was not of him to be sifted from me. I wanted to be Holy and righteous in His sight. I wanted His will for my life, I wanted to take the right path and not veer to the right or to the left. But what did I just do......little did I know that my whole world would be turned upside down and shaken so that everything that was not of God could be shaken out of me. I have grown so much in the past year. Through all the difficult times that we have traveled in the past year-I held close to my savior...knowing that without Him all would seem lost. No, I didn't know the path nor did God plan on letting me in on where the path was leading. I just trusted Him when He directed me down the path that He has placed me on. Is it a journey that I would have chosen-absolutely not. But what knowledge, what perseverance, what patience, what hope, what joy I have gained through this journey I would choose all over again. During my time at prayer mountain God was really focusing my attention on two key scriptures. Exodus 23:20 "See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared. PAY ATTENTION to Him and LISTEN to what he says and do not rebel against him. It was after this time that I continually ran into scripture after scripture about "paying attention and to listen." My journey is not yet over. God is continually sifting me into what He wants me to become. The process is grueling but what good comes of the wheat until it is sifted into a usable flour. 2 Peter 1:19 And we have the word of the prophets made more certain and you will do well to PAY ATTENTION to it as to a light shining in a dark place until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your heart. I'm paying close attention these days. Lord, yes I still want you to sift me.....as painful as it may be. I am willing. I am able. Make me into something usable.

Radical Love

After much thought this morning and through the tears that continue to flow I imagined how God's heart must ache for us his children as he watches the pain and sorrow in our life. He tells us that every tear that we cry He holds in his hand. I look at the love we have for our children and our parents and can't even fathom a love greater than that, but His love is abounding it is without word.....unexplainable, unimaginable. This morning as I got mom up off the couch to put her in her wheelchair she wrapped her arms around my neck....we danced for a moment, only really to stretch her legs...but it felt so good, so secure again just holding her. We both began to cry as she laid her head against my chest, I thought this must be what God feels when one of his children weeps and he holds them close and reminds us in Psalm 34:17 "the righteous cry out and I the Lord hear them; I will deliver you from all your troubles. I the Lord am close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in Spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but I the Lord deliver him from them all" I know deliverance will come and this season of life will have its time. Revelation 21: 4 reminds me that, He will wipe every tear away from our eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain for the old order of things has passed away. And he reminds us that He is making everything new!! I wander what goes through mom's head as she sleeps, does she dream or are her thoughts still. Does she feel his peace as I know His peace. What will she see as that time approaches will she be surrounded by angels, will the heavenly hosts sing as she makes her way home. Will her past family and friends be there waiting for her. God I know you are so good and I know that your loving arms are surrounding us right now. I feel you Lord. I feel you as a woman feels the warmth and strength of her loving husbands arms as he comes up behind her and encompasses her in the safety of his arms. Lord give my mom that peace. Lord wrap your arms around her, make your presense known to her during this difficult and scary period of her life. We look to you because all other loves are comprehensable but yours is far beyond our comprehension.

Am I Living the Cross of Christ

I wondered today if my life reflects all that Christ gave for me....I wondered if I was living the price that He paid to carry my cross. It was bad enough that He was beaten, broken, spat upon only to drag my cross of sin and shame to the top of that hill only to be hung upon it for something that He didn't even deserve. Where was I? Ahhh....yes, I was standing in the crowd with everyone else watching Him carry their cross as well. The load of that cross upon His shoulders had to be overwhelming for my sin alone let alone the sin of all mankind. Isaiah 53 had told about this man that God would send to carry our inadequacies. 53:11 After the suffering of His soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify MANY and He will BEAR their iniquites." I can't seem to get my small humanly hands around the fact that God would send His son, not just His son BUT HIS ONLY CHILD, only to be mocked, beaten, battered and bruised for me. Which brings my thoughts back to am I living the cross of Christ. Am I making the weight he carried worth the pain he endured for me. Would I lay down my life to complete His will for me. Will I carry the cross for someone that isn't strong enough today to carry the weight of their world on their shoulders, will I walk beside them and encourage them that the weight on their shoulders has already been lifted, Christ already carried it....there is now no need to weigh ourselves down with the weight of a sin that God has already forgiven. What I've really been thinking about is as mom enters her last hours, what can I say about my last years, my last days, my last hour....will it be said that "she glorified God to the very end." That they saw no burden that I carried BECAUSE it wasn't given to me to carry. God said give it to me....and I will make your burden light. I think today I'm going to start living more for the Cross that was carried for me. Ahhh.....I feel the weight already becoming lighter. Will you live for the Cross as well or will you have let Him carry YOUR cross in vain?