What now Lord.....

I've drifted away for the past few months. Not of my own accord but of a road that has been less traveled by. I spent alot of time last year on prayer mountain and taking long walks through my woods, thinking and praying and just spending time listening to the stillness of the moment. Little did I know that my time of peace and growth would lead me into months of a different growth. I've come to question alot of things in the past few months. It all began in April as I accepted the job of my dreams. I was going to be working as a nursing coordinator for a very busy ambulatory surgery center. Life in that moment could not have been brighter. I was walking on cloud nine. Never in my life have I been so excited to get up the next morning to just go do it again. I loved my job, I loved the company I worked for and I loved the staff that worked around me. But only weeks into the job I began to develop some very concerning issues. I first began to notice that when I spoke my words wouldn't come out right or they would slur, with everything in me I tried to cover up the fact that something was really wrong with me. Simple daily tasks began to be very complex for my mind to get around. I just couldn't seem to figure out what was wrong. Then I noticed joint pain that was so diverse that it even traveled to my toe joints, and then the fevers. What could possibly be wrong. I found myself pulling it all together so that I could at least function during the day at work, but only to come home to soak in a hot tub to releave the joint pain and straight to bed. I found myself pushing the world out and away from me. People from church meant well and wanted to help, but I couldn't stand what I was seeing in me let alone let them see me this way. There where days that I begged God to take me home away from the intense joint pain, the intense fatigue and the sickening feeling in my stomach that this wasn't just going to go away. I wanted to lead at work like I knew how to lead, but my mind wasn't crisp enough, I couldn't think anymore. I could only function. I wanted so much to turn to God and to my faith, but then I found when I turned to my bible I couldn't make out the words on the page, not only were they blurring together but they made no sense in this new infected brain of mine. Would I ever be the same. Would I ever get the passion of ministry back. What was happening and WHY! I loved the LORD, I gave my life to serving HIM. How could my energy, my vision, my stamina all be taken from me. How Lord will I serve you then? Many months have sence gone by and each day brings a little glimmer of hope. I begin to see things a little clearer now, but I ask you dear Lord to fill me once again with your spirit. With your passion. With your ability to get it all done. Many roadblocks have seemed to find their way into my path, but deep in my heart I knew there was no hurdle that I could not pass. God had gotten me this far and I knew He just wouldn't leave me here. So today, I pick up some of the small pieces of who I used to be and I begin to gather what pieces God wants me to gather to form the new me-one with a Heart Like HIS. Tear me, make me Lord. I want so much to be like you. I will suffer much but I will also know that at the end, I will stand before an amazing God and I will hear "Well done-Good and Faithful Servant." Just lead the way Lord-but remember the brain's a little slower this time so you may have to do more of the driving this time.

Trail of tears...

As I was talking to Bill today he reminded me that life really does leave a trail of tears. Whether it be good tears or bad tears...life holds an abundance of both. I go through my weeks trying to remain strong to hold myself together for the sake of those that I work with & those around me that need for me to be strong. But yet my heart cries and evening and weekends the tears begin. I did something today that I never thought I would ever do...I went with my mom & dad and helped them pick out a grave stone. Any other time in my life this may have not been so difficult but with the reality of the situation I stood there utterly shocked at the realization of it all. A number of years ago a member of our church had been praying for Bill & I (when we were in the depths of ministry leadership) she had wrote a note to us on a piece of paper that had said that as she was praying for us she heard Isaiah 53:10-11....the will of the Lord will prosper in his hands. After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied. I keep this note tucked away in our bible and I run it across it from time to time. Yesterday morning as I made my hour commute to work...I just shut down the radio and began to beg God to get us through this. I begged Him to give us strength that we could not find on our own, but only a strength that He could provide. As I was praying I heard clear as day "you will see the light of life...after the suffering of your soul." I felt an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. As many of you know Isaiah is one of my favorite books in the bible...as I was studying I ran across Isaiah 40:4 Every valley shall be raised up every moutain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the Lord will be revealed. I believe that....I believe that every valley in our life does eventually level out & every mountain that we climb has a majestic peak and that all the rough ground that we have travelled leads us to the beautiful plains. AND IN ALL THINGS GOD WILL BE GLORIFIED. This trail we travel in life does leave many tears but we can be assured that we never travel it alone. He catches every tear...cupped in His hands.

The Journey Home....

The journey home...not much thought goes into the limited number of days we have ahead. Most of us get up everyday...go to our jobs, give our best efforts to run home and spend even more time meeting the demands of a household and things that need to be done. The reality of how short our journey really is hit me this week. I write this through alot of pain and alot of tears. The words are blurry as I write. But yet I have this sense of peace that is indescribable. This past week my mother was diagnosed with inoperable adenocarcinoma of the pancreas. As we sat with the doctor and I watched as he spoke so gently to my mother (the very same woman that bandaged all of my wounds as a child, that held me when I had my first broken heart as a teenager, that has walked every journey with me through life-good and bad) tell her that she only had 6-12 months to live and there was nothing they could do. I felt this overwhelming sense of numbness. How was I going to go on without the voice of my mother on the other end of the phone. How was I going to sit in church every Sunday knowing that she wasn't sitting there beside me. How was my dad going to go on knowing that the love of his life wasn't there beside him. How we view life so differently when we have been told it is now going to be brief. The things that seem to matter so much before seem so trivial right now. I wish there was some way I could describe to you the roller coaster of emotions that are running through my head. On one hand I am so excited for her. As she comes face to face with Jesus, I can only imagine the joy that her heart will feel, the beauty that will surround her and the family and friends that have gone before her awaiting her arrival. John talks about what he saw in Revelation about Heaven and its majestic beauty.

Revelation 21:13 It shown with the glory of God and its brillance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. vs 18 The wall was made of jasper and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. 22:1 Then the angel showed be the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God.

I'm thinking that John couldn't even begin to describe its beauty because it is so far from our comprehension of beautiful. But as I see the love a daughter has for her mother and the love a mother has for her daughter. I think I get a glimpse of what heaven must be like.

Lord help us in these troubling times. Help us in the days that our hearts break for what we are losing but you are gaining. Help us to understand and see your excitement of her homecoming. I know that you Lord are preparing her a place right now. Your word tells me that you prepare a place for all of us. Bless us Lord in what we have left here with her. Fill us with the happy memories of the life that we got to share with her. You are so good Lord and I thank you for my mother. The very precious one that you hand picked just for me. THANK YOU LORD.