The Journey Home....

The journey home...not much thought goes into the limited number of days we have ahead. Most of us get up everyday...go to our jobs, give our best efforts to run home and spend even more time meeting the demands of a household and things that need to be done. The reality of how short our journey really is hit me this week. I write this through alot of pain and alot of tears. The words are blurry as I write. But yet I have this sense of peace that is indescribable. This past week my mother was diagnosed with inoperable adenocarcinoma of the pancreas. As we sat with the doctor and I watched as he spoke so gently to my mother (the very same woman that bandaged all of my wounds as a child, that held me when I had my first broken heart as a teenager, that has walked every journey with me through life-good and bad) tell her that she only had 6-12 months to live and there was nothing they could do. I felt this overwhelming sense of numbness. How was I going to go on without the voice of my mother on the other end of the phone. How was I going to sit in church every Sunday knowing that she wasn't sitting there beside me. How was my dad going to go on knowing that the love of his life wasn't there beside him. How we view life so differently when we have been told it is now going to be brief. The things that seem to matter so much before seem so trivial right now. I wish there was some way I could describe to you the roller coaster of emotions that are running through my head. On one hand I am so excited for her. As she comes face to face with Jesus, I can only imagine the joy that her heart will feel, the beauty that will surround her and the family and friends that have gone before her awaiting her arrival. John talks about what he saw in Revelation about Heaven and its majestic beauty.

Revelation 21:13 It shown with the glory of God and its brillance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. vs 18 The wall was made of jasper and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. 22:1 Then the angel showed be the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God.

I'm thinking that John couldn't even begin to describe its beauty because it is so far from our comprehension of beautiful. But as I see the love a daughter has for her mother and the love a mother has for her daughter. I think I get a glimpse of what heaven must be like.

Lord help us in these troubling times. Help us in the days that our hearts break for what we are losing but you are gaining. Help us to understand and see your excitement of her homecoming. I know that you Lord are preparing her a place right now. Your word tells me that you prepare a place for all of us. Bless us Lord in what we have left here with her. Fill us with the happy memories of the life that we got to share with her. You are so good Lord and I thank you for my mother. The very precious one that you hand picked just for me. THANK YOU LORD.

The Call.....

I've taken awhile to write this because I struggle just as much with this as the next guy. As Christians we attend church on Sunday morning feel empowered by the message but yet fail as Christians throughout the week. In Matthew 16:24 Jesus said that "If anyone would come after me, HE MUST deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." If he really is Lord of my life wouldn't I give him ALL of my life. Many...almost all of the disciples died in service to Jesus. As I thought about what it is that holds us back it came kind of as a revolution that we are so afraid that God will call us and that the accountability to that calling will literally consume us and we will "die" to self. I wondered why we don't spend more time in scripture...is it because the more time we spend in the word we realize that All that God called were stretched beyond themselves and were asked by God to do things that we can't even fathom being asked to do. As we read His word we see that our purposes and our plans become so small to what He really has laid out for us. I had went to bed the other night at the usual time but as many times before I suddenly became wide awake. I came out to the couch grabbed my bible and opened to 1 John 2:20 "But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and all of you know the truth. I do not write to you because you do not know the truth, but because you do know it. If you do a word study on anointing...it means chosen ones of God. We that have Jesus..have been anointed. He has chose us and we do know the truth. Also, as I was studying I came across Hebrews 10:38 "But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him." Guess that holds us pretty accountable as Christ-followers to not only read His word but to live the word. What will we do with the calling upon our life? Will we continue to run from it or will we embrace by faith and allow God to do His will through us?

I Did Not Die On A Cross...For you to live a mediocre life!

Wow, did I struggle with what to use as the title to this blog entry. I saw a couple of things. One being the tight clenched fists of somebody trying desperately to hold on to something....for me....the ability to let go of my fear. But then I also saw the image of Christ hanging on the Cross and I heard him say....I DID NOT DIE ON A CROSS....FOR YOU TO LIVE A MEDIOCRE LIFE!! Forgive me Lord. Forgive me for so many times laying my doubts, my fears, my shortcomings at the foot of your cross...only to shortly return to pick them back up. We are so comfortable with what we know....yet what do we really know? Do I know what tomorrow really holds, what about next week, what about next month......what about a year from now? God is really stretching us right now as a family. He is reminding us that we really don't need to know....because HE knows. I so often play in my mind the "what if's" and then what's. Beth Moore taught in her study yesterday that Satan loves to use our "what if's" against us. He has no other leverage then the leverage we allow him to take. What if my child doesn't return home tomorrow, what if this is the last time I see my husband, what if I don't get that job that we so desperately need.....then What? God keeps asking....then what? I love Beth's answer because it so echoes mine. What if God!! What if.....then I....I would just fall apart. I don't know that I could get up. (God says...then what), well I would just lay in the floor and cry (then what), well I guess I would just have to lay there with my bible over my head (then what) well I guess I would have to get into your word for my strength (then what) OK Lord....then I would have to just get up and start ministering again. But Lord I don't know that I am strong enough. But I know that you use our weaknesses to show your strength.

I struggled with the title because I really saw "Gripped in Fear." I don't want to be afraid. I know that you are good and your love for me never wains for a minute. I know that I can trust that your plan is good even if its not the plan that I would have chosen. But it would be a lie for me to say that I'm not afraid of the future. Your word tells us over and over and over again to not fear..."Do not be afraid." I wonder why you said it so much. It makes me realize I'm not alone in my fear. That of all the things you repeated...this one was repeated the most. WHY?? Why when you have shown yourself time and time again to be faithful and true, do we question or doubt that you will carry us through the next challenge in our life? Help me to loosen my grip on Fear and instead of my fists being clenched may my hands be held out.....ready to receive your blessing. How could I ever think that I would even be able to accept it with my hands held tight in fists. My hands can only receive when they are open to receive. I am going to move forward knowing that you didn't hang on that cross in vain. WE.....WE were created for SUCH A TIME AS THIS. May NO fear stand in the way of the purpose that you have created me for.